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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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It's getting near the crazy season, So I thought I would start a 'Funniest Golf joke 2008' Rules Must be funny keep it short and must include something to do with golf. No bad language, racism or anything that you wouldn't want your kids to read! Voting will start when 20 jokes have been submitted. here's my entry 2 men were playing golf but the game was a bit slow because 2 ladies up ahead were losing balls and wouldn't call the guys through. One of the guys got fed up and went to approach the ladies and ask to play through. as he got near them he suddenly turned back with a shocked look on his face. He explained to the other guy that he couldn't speak to the ladies as "one of them was his wife & the other one was an old tart he was messing around with!" The other guy said don't worry I will go and ask them, as he got near them, he suddenly turned and came back. He said to his mate "blimey, it's a small world isn't it!"
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Joined: Mar 2010
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A bloke on a 7 day golf holiday meets a woman in a bar on the first night and in the morning wants to go to golf. Thinking she will want to see him during the day he says to her " being honest with you I am mad for golf and want to play golf today". She says to him "well being honest i'm a hooker". He looks at her amazed and then says "thats because you play the ball too far forward in your stance" -- 18/11/2008 23:13:55: post edited by TheSocialGolfer.
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Christine Hollo...
Handicap: 36
Dorset
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Roly - you mentioned no bad language, racism and kids - what about sexism?! Here's my contribution ....... 2 LADIES were playing golf but the game was slow because 2 MEN ahead were losing balls and wouldn't let the girls through! One lady got fed up and went to approach the men to ask to play through. As she got near them she suddenly turned back with am amused look on her face and explained to the other lady that she would rather not speak to the men as one was her ex-husband and the other one was the man she had foolishly had an affair with! The other lady said "don't worry, I will ask them." As she got nearer, she suddenly turned back with a smile on her face and said to her friend "My goodness, it's a small world isn't it!"
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK. Bob was a fanatical golfer. Every Sunday morning, whatever the weather, he headed to the golf course. It could be scorching heat or driving rain but Bob didn't care. It was his routine every single Sunday for years. Then one Sunday Bob finally met his match with the weather. He got up early, as usual, and drove out to the course hoping the weather would improve. But once at the course he knew he was beat. It was just a few degrees above freezing, the rain was driving down steady and icy cold. For the first time in years Bob headed back home on a Sunday morning. His wife was still in bed when he got there so he took off his clothes and dejectedly got back into bed and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said "Terrible weather out there." "Yeah," his wife replied, "and can you believe my idiot husband went golfing?!?" What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf? It's still your turn! And for the sexist ending... What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A foursome -- 11/12/2008 17:25:18: post edited by TheSocialGolfer.
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Carol Bellis
Handicap: 36
Kent
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 76
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OK - I've read these, and it appears the gloves are off! (sorry Roly) A man takes his wife to a golfer/non-golfer day. They're in the lead, and his wife only has to sink a short putt to win the competition. She misses, and he rants at her ' for goodness sake, how could you miss that - it was only as long as my John Thomas!'. 'Yes' she says 'but it was a lot harder'
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Dave Knight
Handicap: 36
West Sussex
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A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green, and as the golfer sized up his situation he asked his caddie "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."
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Michael Kangas
Handicap: 36
Minnesota
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My bother send me this one. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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well this has gone a bit flat! I thought golfers had a sense of humour? Thanks to the ladies for pointing out my "Sexcism" although it was a "Joke". I have just been for some golf lessons, the pro asked me to hit some balls, he then paused and said................."you know your problem ........... you are standing too close to the ball......................After you have hit it!! we still need a good few jokes before the voting starts.....maybe you could pull your crackers early? Oooh er missus!
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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3 guys - grandfather, father and son standing waiting to tee off, when a beautiful young girl walks up and asks to join them. All 3 guys hit off - then the girl Drives right down the centre, Par 4, on with her second and 2 putts. Great they all agree - by the time they get to the 18th, Par 5, she is already 4 shots onto the green and needs to par it to win the game. She says if any of you can give me the right line to putt - I will come to your house - cook, clean and anything you ask- the young guy says "slight break right to left then you should be in the hole" - the father says " no, aim straight at it and you will win, - then the old granddad says " no! it's a gimme!!!!
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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Tiger Woods pulls into a garage in his BMW. As he fills up with fuel a couple of Tees fall out of his shirt pocket. The garage assistant not knowing what golf is all about asks Tiger "What are they far?" Tiger responds "I use them for resting my balls on when I drive off" The attendant responds "My god BMW think of everything!!!"
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m., I was warming up with several other golfers on the putting green when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee go back to the men's tee please!" Every eye on the course turn to look at the old boy but he was deep in concentration going through his pre-shot routine and seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly use the men's tee." Again the old boy seemed to simply ignore the guy and kept concentrating, about to take his swing when once more, the voice yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee. please?!?!" Finally the old boy stopped, slowly turned around, cupped his hands and shouted back ... "Would the idiot with the microphone please keep quiet, stop disturbing me and let me play my second shot!"
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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The following joke contains some mild rude words, so if easily offended don't read! Neil & the priest were playing golf. Neil missed a 2ft putt & shouted "Damn, missed the bugger". The priest said " Don't say that, The lord is always listening and will send a thunderbolt from the sky to punish you". Neil said sorry. Next hole Neil missed an 18" putt & said " Damn it Missed another bugger". The Priest again told him that if used that langauge he would be struck down by a thunderbolt by the lord" Neil said sorry. On the 18th Neil needed a 12" put to win the match, but just missed it, He shouted "Damn missed the bugger" The priest said "thats it, Lord send a thunderbolt on this wicked man" The sky turned dark and the clouds parted as a giant thunderbolt hurtled towards the golf course striking the priest dead. A voice came from heaven " Damn missed the bugger!" Disclaimer: Any similarity to person or persons in this joke are purely coincidental. Any names used are chosen at random.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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A clean offering here : A woman is accompanying her husband on a round of golf. At the first hole his tee shot finds the long rough - she shakes her head in sympathy. His next shot landed in a greenside bunker right under the lip - she shakes her head and sighs. With his third shot he somehow gets the ball out of the bunker, onto the green, and it drops in the hole ! Seeing this his wife exclaims "Oh Boy" - "Now you're in REAL TROUBLE".
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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Second effort : A golfer is thrashing around in the undergrowth looking for his drive. An old lady is sitting on a bench close by doing her knitting following his progress. Just as his 5 minutes is about end, the old lady looks up and says "Excuse me young man, is it against the rules if I tell you where it is" ?
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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Novice said: "I played today, hit 148."
his frined said: "For the first time to play , this performance has been quite good."
Novice said: "Really? I hope tomorrow I can hit into the second hole" !!! 
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TheSocialGolfer
Handicap: 36
Essex
Pro Member
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 782
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This golfer was playing the famous dog leg 4th hole at Kilarney, and was just about to tee off, when a voice said "Hello there". He looked around and the voice said "Down here", and there at his feet was a little leprechaun, who said "How would you like to drive the ball over those trees, stop it on the green and then single putt for an Eagle 2, plus win every golf tournament you choose to enter and become amatuer golf champion of all Ireland ? The golfer said "That would be fantastic". The leprechaun said "I can make that happen but there would be one condition. You have to remain celibate." The golfer thought about this and then agreed. Twelve months later the golfer was playing the same hole at Killarney when he again heard the voice. "Tell me" said the Leprechaun, "Did everything happen as I promised." "Yes" said the golfer. "and how do you find the celibacy?" said the Leprechaun smiling. "As Parish Priest at Ballemena, I don't find it much trouble at all..."
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Joined: Mar 2010
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A husband and wife normally play every saturday together. One saturday the husband fell ill and wasn't able to golf. The wife decided that she would go ahead and golf without him. As she was walking between the 11th green and the 12th tee box she was stung by a bee. She immediately called her husband at home and told him, "I was just stung by a bee!" The husband asked, "Where did you get stung?" She replied, "Between holes" The husbad said, "I keep telling you, your stance is too wide!!"
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A guy tees off and slices his drive way out of bounds down the right. He gets to where he thought the ball had gone over the hedge to find a massive commotion and a crowd of very upset people. Two minutes later he runs panting up to his partner who takes one look at him and asks what on earth has happened ... "well, you know my drive? It went straight over the hedge, straight through a car windscreen, which then careered into a queue of people at the bus stop. I think the people are ok but his car's in a pretty bad way ... what do I do?" Hmm, probably best just to rotate your right hand a bit and maybe close your stance, should sort it.
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Richard Duke
Handicap: 36
sussex
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At dawn the telephone rings:
'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot
died.
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
die from?'
'From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water
cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire.'
'What the hell??.... Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed
because of a candle??!!!
'Yes Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT FUNERAL?!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the
blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 Driver.'
SILENCE...
LONG SILENCE...............
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!'
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Richard Duke
Handicap: 36
sussex
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Don't know if these count as jokes,anyway here are a couple of golfing thoughts: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree It's surprisingly easy to hole a 40ft putt.......for an 8 When you look up,causing a terrible shot,you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you should start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again... Never try to keep more than 200 seperate thoughts in your mind during your swing. Merry Xmas and hoping for a great New Year to you all.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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The golfer steps up to the tee and looks down the fairway. He says, "This looks like a good drive and one long putt." The caddy hands him his driver and the golfer takes a mighty swing and drives the ball about 20 yrds down the fairway. The caddy steps up to him and hends him his putter and says, "Now for a heck of a long putt"!
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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Harry was out playing a round with his wife Millicent when they reached the dog-leg 5th hole. Harry pull-hooked his drive way left behind a big old barn. Millicent seeing that the green was just on the other side of the barn suggested that if she were to open the barn door Harry could simply hit his shot through the barn onto the green. Harry agreed and hooked a low screamer right at Millicent’s head. She died on the spot. Several months later Harry was again at the same course and playing the 5th hole with his buddy Otto. When he again pull-hooked his drive left just in back of the same barn. Otto seeing that the green was just on the other side of the barn suggested that Harry hit his ball through the open doors of the barn. No way said Harry, I tried that the last time I was here and took a 7 on this hole. -- 01/01/2010 20:12:12: post edited by Jerry Hinck.
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Greg Remaly
Handicap: 19
USA
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I'm not very good at telling jokes but I heard one a while back that was cute.... A gentleman reported to the Emergency Room with a golf club wrapped around his head. Doctor: What happened to you? Gentleman: Well, I was playing golf with my wife Iris and we both hooked our tee shots onto a cow pasture right next to the fairway. I volunteered to climb the fence to look for our balls since there was a cow present. As I was looking for the balls, I found mine but couldn't find my wife's. I noticed the cow wasn't walking so well, so I lifted its tail and noticed there was a golf ball lodged in the cow's behind. I yelled over to my wife that this looked like hers, and that's the last I remember.
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Naveed Khan
Handicap: 18
Pakistan
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A man playing golf on the second hole, while going past the neighbouring graveyard, turned and bowed respectfully, before continuing his walk. Confused, his fellow golfers asked what he was doing. "My wife died this morning, it was her burial ceremony in the graveyard", replied the golfer.
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Steve 'The Powe...
Handicap: 21
Essex
Pro Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 288
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Two long time golfers were standing, overlooking a river. One golfer looks at the other and says " look at those two idiots there, fishing in the rain'...
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Steve 'The Powe...
Handicap: 21
Essex
Pro Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 288
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A guy is at North Weald driving range and having a really bad day... Everything he tries to hit he tops, balls going no more than 20 yards (and burning worms the whole way).
Finally disgusted, he turns to the PGA pro at the range and mutters ' If I don't connect with this one I am going to jump in the lake and drown myself', the PGA pro looks him slowly up and down and says 'I don't think you can do it'..
'Why on earth not?' says our guy
PGA pro say 'I don't think you can keep your head down for that long'...
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Steve 'The Powe...
Handicap: 21
Essex
Pro Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 288
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Wife says to her husband ' If I died would you remarry?'
Husband answers 'Maybe'
Wife 'Would you marry another Lady Golfer?'
Husband 'Perhaps'
Wife ' But you wouldn't let her use my clubs would you?'
Husband 'No dear! She's left-handed'...
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Ian Halliwell
Handicap: 25
Lancashire
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 82
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TRUE STORY.......
As I have now commenced a life of golf travel, I bought the wife some clubs to enjoy the great game if she wished........ Using that GREAT LITTLE PAR 3 AT NAILCOTE TO BED HER IN.. we are playing the 6th " JACKLIN FALLS", a carry of 100 yards all over water. After dribbling two ino the deep,she calmly asks for another ball, I reach into the bag and toss her one, at which she indignantly looks at he ball and says " whats this, how come yours is a TIT... EL.... IST and mine a RANGE."
In truth she does play the game in a great manner, she sits in the buggy with a glass of wine, looks at the hole in front of her, assess the difficulty and decides whether to bother with that shot then maybe on the Green a ball appears and she announces she would like a putt.
Ian
www.thesocialgolfer.blogspot.com
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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Hi Roly, More than 20 jokes submitted now - London can we have your votes please !!!
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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I started this topic just before last Christmas. I am pleased that it is the most viewed forum so I think we should keep it going. It can be used as a reference for anyone who needs a good golf joke for that "golf speech after the match" etc I retain copyright on this forum post & will pay royalties to all contributors when the book gets published! "TSG The funniest golf jokes ever" Have fun
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Charlene Colema...
Handicap: 36
Avon
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Thought a few one liners would add well to this mix!!! Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ? Just in case they had a hole in one.
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!
Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!
My uncle, who has golfed all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and Living Fine!
Last but not least.
Gentleman Only Laddies Forbidden
Happy golfing!!!!!
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Carol Bellis
Handicap: 36
Kent
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 76
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Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Eric and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
Eric said to the dentist, ' I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two mates out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, just pull the tooth, and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at Noosa Springs and it's 9:48 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.'
So the dentist asks him, 'which tooth is it sir?
Eric turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth Honey, and show him..
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Guy Hall
Handicap: 36
Hants
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 12
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One day a woman was happily going about her business vacuuming the bedroom. She decided to do under the bed as it had never been done and she was in the mood,so she fitted the nozzle and poked it under the bed. It hit an object so she got down to look. When she pulled it out and unwrapped it she saw it was just an ordinary shoe box in a pillow case.Curiosity got the better of her and she opened it, inside was 3 golf balls and £300.00. When the hubby came home from work she asked him what the box was all about. Embarrassed the husband came clean. "My darling every time I have been unfaithful to you I have put a ball into the box". Shocked the wife broke down in tears. Eventually she said " We have been married for 27 years and you have been unfaithful to me three times, I think I can forgive you,we will be ok,but tell me why is there £300 in the box as well"? The husband went red faced and said "Well every time I got a dozen I sold them"! 
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duncan maitland
Handicap: 13
scotland
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Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament ,at first I said naaahh!!
I already play 3 to 4 times a week
then they said to me come on it's for handicapped and blind kids
Then I thought
!!!
!!!
!!!
S**t I can win this
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Tiaan Kotze
Handicap: 36
Kent
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 40
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So the police roll up outside the house in Florida and encounter Mrs Woods standing over the reclining body of her billionaire husband. She is clasping a 6-iron and crying.
“Ma’am, step away from the car and the golf champion. Did you hit your husband with that club?”
“Yes, yes I did,” says a hysterical Mrs W.
“How many times?”
“I’m not sure. It all happened so fast. Five…six times? Put me down for a five.”
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Charlene Colema...
Handicap: 36
Avon
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lee davies
Handicap: 36
East Sussex
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An old boy was tee'ing up on the first when a lady ambled up and asked if she could join him. "Of course my love" He replied "Do you want to play for a fiver" said the old girl " No problem" Said the old boy.
She proceeded tp give him a good beating and at the 18th asked for a lift down ther bottom of the road.
He gave her a lift and when they got to the bottom of the road she gave him a trouser friendly kiss!!!
"Im free on wednesday if you wanna go round again" said the old girl, "Without a doubt" came the reply so wednesday came and the things went the same way as before and when they got to the bottom of the road the old boy got his fiver out and the old girl got his thingy out. " I could get used to this" thought the old boy. " Free friday" He asked her "certainly am" she said. "How about we go all the way next time" the old boy asked, " Afraid not im a transvestite" said the lady
"You cheeky B*****D, You've been playing off the ladies tees all week" said the old boy!!
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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A couple met at Hilton head and fell in love, They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody." He said, "I'm a golf nut, I live,eat,sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," he said.
Then brightening, he smiled "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,955
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Three men wanted to learn how to play golf, so they hired a golf instructor. The instructor took the three men over to the driving range and asked them to each hit a ball as far as they could. First man hit his ball way off to the right, the instructor yelled "LOFT!" Then the second man hit his ball way left, the instructor yelled "LOFT!" The third man stepped up and hit his ball just two feet infront of him, again the instructor yelled "LOFT!" The three puzzled men looked at each other and then turned to the instructor and asked what "LOFT" meant ? The instructor simply said, "LACK OF FREAKING TALENT"
PS:- Please feel free to use the the word "Loft" the next time you are playing in your friendly game  am sure the right moment will present it's self...................lol -- 11/12/2009 19:00:46: post edited by mark rowley.
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TSG
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